I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
