apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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