He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
