i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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