I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
