woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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