u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
