I didn't shave. On purpose
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
