You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
