Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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