Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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