dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
