I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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