Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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