it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
