i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
