just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
