Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
