Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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