I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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