I wish you could order shots online.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
A bitchslap is in order.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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