No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
