I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
