What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
