i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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