my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
how do flat chested girls get laid?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
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