The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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