when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
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