I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
