I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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