So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
