I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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