i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
