Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
