i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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