You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
