omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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