I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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