I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
operation harelip BJ is a go
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
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Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
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I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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