I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
