its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
My feet surprised me
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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