She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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