So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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