Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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