I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
