I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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