I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
