I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
