I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
