mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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