I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
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And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
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Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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