I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
