soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
