god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
