If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
