she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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