Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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